White House Prints Laminated Menu For Trump-Xi Bargaining Session

Taiwan was moved from entrées to “items requiring supervisor approval” after a tense interagency tasting.

The White House has prepared for President Trump’s May 13–15 visit to China by circulating a fictional “Strategic Conversation Menu,” a laminated document designed to prevent trade, Iran, and Taiwan from being discussed in the same sentence without a beverage break.

The document, marked “FOR INTERNAL CALM ONLY,” divides potential negotiating topics into appetizers, main courses, prohibited substitutions, and desserts that may be offered if both leaders complete the meeting without redefining the Pacific.

Trade appears under “shareable plates,” with tariffs listed as both an ingredient and a possible allergic reaction. Iran is placed in a separate warming tray labeled “handle with regional tongs.” Taiwan, after several revisions, has been classified as “not a side dish.”

Agenda Control Measures

To reduce the risk of accidental grand strategy, staff have reportedly prepared color-coded cards for use during the meetings. A green card means “continue discussing soybeans.” Yellow means “clarify whether the word deal refers to commerce or civilization.” Red means “remove all maps from the room.”

“The purpose of the menu format is to ensure no participant confuses dessert with a security guarantee,” reads one fictional planning note from the Office of Bilateral Plate Management.

Briefing materials also advise that any mention of “historic agreement” be followed immediately by a definition of the agreement, its participants, and whether it survives lunch.

One page titled “Acceptable Uses of the Word Supreme” clarifies that it may refer to confidence, court decisions, or nachos, but not to unilateral authority over the Taiwan Strait.

Strategic Table Settings

Chinese hosts, in this entirely satirical reconstruction, have been assigned their own seating chart showing where each issue should be placed to avoid “unhelpful proximity.” Trade will sit nearest the microphones. Iran will be seated near the exit. Taiwan will not be seated, because seating it would imply a policy position requiring six departments to faint.

American staff have also prepared emergency small talk in case the talks stall. Suggested topics include pandas, golf course drainage, and the universally stabilizing phrase, “supply chains are complicated.”

“If no one attempts to solve three global flashpoints before coffee, we will consider the opening session a procedural success,” a fictional senior protocol coordinator noted.

The final page of the packet includes a checklist: confirm invitation, confirm arrival, confirm translation, confirm that “on the table” is understood metaphorically, and confirm that nobody has actually put Taiwan on the table.

Context

President Donald Trump is scheduled to visit China from May 13 to 15 at the invitation of President Xi Jinping, with trade, Iran, and Taiwan expected to be among the major issues discussed. The trip comes amid ongoing tensions between Washington and Beijing over economic policy, regional security, and broader geopolitical competition.

Photo: Jimmy Liao