Congress Quietly Launches “Scandal Off‑Ramp” Pilot Program, Traffic Backed Up to K Street
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
White House Unveils NATO ‘Naughty or Nice’ Scorecard, Promises Data‑Driven Sulking
Allies will now be ranked somewhere between “Strategic Sweetheart” and “Disappointment With Flag,” bringing scientific precision to transatlantic passive-aggression.
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
White House offers Iran promo code ‘STRATEGIC’ for 10% off next crisis escalation
Justices to determine whether U.S. trade policy requires evidence, strategy, or merely a sharpie and an emotion.
White House claims multi-front sanctions will strike “where millennials feel it most: slightly worse discount codes.”
Local sellers now offer VIP access to his mood swings, pending visa approval.
Officials say situation is “concerning but not, like, calendar-blocking,” as Pentagon updates threat level from “red” to “let’s just see how this plays out.”
Officials clarify they are searching for unity “somewhere on Earth, anywhere, please.”
White House vows to “monitor the vibes very closely” as stock market panic-buys comfort animals.