Trump’s DIY Iran Blockade Forces China Trip Into Full-Scale Scenic Detour
White House insists “going the long way around the planet” is a bold new doctrine of peace through unnecessary layovers.
Iran Warns It Might Close Strait of Hormuz, Congress Googles ‘What Is That’
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Lithuania Eager To Join U.S. Strait Of Hormuz Mission, Still Looking For Boat
Officials say the Baltic nation is “fully prepared to defend global shipping, pending someone explaining where it is and how to get there.”
Trump ‘Liberty Gong’ From King Charles Accidentally Triggers New Cold War Subcommittee
Analysts say the bell’s chime frequency, diplomatic symbolism, and resale value on eBay all pose “grave, but monetizable” national security concerns.
Trump Unveils ‘Feelings-Based Tariff’ Plan, Canada Braces For Emotional Sanctions
In a bold economic maneuver, the U.S. will now tax imports based on whether Donald Trump “gets a weird vibe” from another country’s labour practices.
Louisiana’s Congressional Map Struck Down After Court Notices It’s Just A Crayon Drawing Of King Charles
In a landmark ruling, justices confirmed that “at least one district should contain voters who are not a fleur-de-lis.”
Trump, Putin Announce Limited-Time Ukraine Cease-Fire, Promo Code to Follow
Officials praise “historic pause in hostilities” carefully scheduled around both leaders’ personal calendars and snack breaks.
Trump Tells Iran to ‘Get Smart Soon’ As White House Launches Global IQ Audit
Officials confirm entire foreign policy now based on vibes, pop quizzes, and port blockades scored like standardized tests.
Supreme Court Tosses Louisiana Map, Demands Districts That Exist in Euclidean Space
In a 6–3 ruling, justices bravely confirm that “crayon tornado” is not a legal standard for representative democracy.
Trump Hosts Emergency Oil Summit To Decide Which War Is ‘Good For Gas Prices’
Executives reportedly reassured by White House pledge to “let the market, and possibly several countries, sort it out.”