Thune Says Billion-Dollar White House Moat Is Just Basic Adulting
The Senate also asked whether the drawbridge could be bipartisan if both parties got blamed for delays.
Trump Books China Trip as CEO Field Trip During Iran War
The itinerary treats geopolitics as a quarterly earnings call with missiles in the background.
Trump Switches Golf Loyalty, White House Activates Cart-Based Continuity Plan
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Trump Activates Kentucky Senate Dropout Protocol, Endorses Barr With Emergency Siren
Officials said the request was voluntary, mandatory, and “decorative,” depending on which microphone was currently closest.
Trump’s Iran War Hands China Asia’s Most Depressing Gift Basket
Officials insisted the diplomatic setback was “not a loss of influence” but “a large-scale regional free sample.”
Supreme Court Weighs Cisco Case, Accidentally Invents Customer Service Sovereignty
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
Congressional Republicans Give Trump Iran War Performance Review, Demand Snack Timeline
A completely reasonable response to an unreasonable political news cycle.
U.S. Declares Shipping Straits A Board Game, Immediately Loses Rulebook
Officials say the new maritime strategy will contain China, reassure allies, and finally give Congress a map it can argue over incorrectly.
Trump Declares Iran Matter “Administratively Over,” Congress Receives Decorative Deadline
The White House said lawmakers were fully consulted via “vibes, headlines, and one extremely confident folder.”
White House Declines Iran Comment, Deploys Emergency Silence Coordinator
Officials said the non-response had been reviewed by lawyers, laminated, and placed between tariffs and “supreme court vibes” on the president’s crisis shelf.