White House Drafts Emergency Protocol for Heaven-Authorized Ballroom Construction
The proposed guidance reportedly asks agencies to distinguish routine procurement from direct celestial seating-chart requirements.
Trump, Netanyahu Reportedly Schedule Iran Briefing Around Imaginary China Detour
The call allegedly included three maps, four timelines, and one Senate aide asking whether anyone had checked the calendar since 2026 began.
Treasury Sends Tariff Refunds With Instructions For Returning Outrage
A draft memo warns checks may arrive before the talking points needed to be angry about them.
China Promises Iran Support Will Remain Strictly Emotional, USTR Says
Washington welcomed the breakthrough by immediately forming three committees to define the word material.
Trump, Xi Agree Tariffs Can Be Lowered If Everyone Acts Surprised
The tentative trade thaw reportedly came with a ceremonial coupon book and one emergency hearing nobody in the Senate understood.
White House Reassures Taiwan With Map Labeled ‘Complicated Friendship Area’
After Trump’s China trip, aides clarified U.S. policy by pointing to three arrows, two footnotes, and a coffee stain.
Parliamentarian Rules White House Moat Alligators Not Budget-Relevant Security
The ruling leaves federal planners with only gates, guards, and a color-coded spreadsheet labeled Please Do Not Breach.
Cassidy Asks Louisiana GOP To Grade Trump Impeachment On Curve
His fictional campaign’s new strategy separates policy positions into “before conviction” and “please stop booing” binders.
Trump-Xi Summit Produces Tariff Peace Treaty for Nervous Soybeans
The Senate began preparing a bipartisan thank-you card to corn while the Supreme Court was asked to stay out of breakfast.
White House Issues Summit Fatigue Index After Trump-China Meeting
The new metric reportedly classifies presidential strain as “manageable, visible, or audible through a closed conference-room door.”