White House Prepares Colombia Policy With Giant Relationship Status Dropdown

This white house prepares satire turns a real public story into fictional political commentary.

Aides said “it’s complicated” remains available if Congress misplaces the binder again.

White House Prepares Briefing

The White House responded to Colombia’s presidential election Sunday by unveiling a new diplomatic tool: a laminated relationship-status dropdown for the Western Hemisphere.

The form gives aides five options for U.S.-Colombia relations. They include “strategic partner,” “regional headache,” “call Treasury,” “ask Miami,” and “it’s complicated, but in Spanish.”

Diplomacy Enters The Menu Phase

National Security Council staff placed the dropdown on a rolling easel in the Situation Room. Someone added color tabs for oil, migration, drugs, trade, and “things The Times will notice by Tuesday.”

Campaign advisers asked whether the Colombia box could help President Trump with Florida voters. One consultant proposed a slogan: “Tough on Bogotá, gentle on arepas.” It was shelved after lunch.

The House Foreign Affairs Committee scheduled a hearing, then paused for 41 minutes over the font. Republicans wanted “deterrent bold.” Democrats requested “stable democratic sans serif.” The clerk marked both as nonbinding.

A federal judge in Washington declined to decide whether “it’s complicated” counted as a treaty. The court asked the administration to resubmit the form without emojis, arrows, or the word “yikes.”

“Foreign policy is now a menu with sanctions,” said Elaine Porter, a former paperwork lawyer at the National Security Council.

State Department Issues Fresh Color Tabs

The State Department printed briefing books for every possible winner. One binder praised cooperation. Another warned about China. A third simply said “Iran?” and contained a map of South America with nervous highlights.

At the press podium, White House aides insisted the dropdown did not replace strategy. They described it as “strategy-adjacent,” then referred further questions to a deputy assistant coordinator for hemispheric labels.

Trump advisers also reviewed whether the new Colombian president should receive a phone call, a statement, or a social media post written in all caps and then translated by committee.

The process ended with a memo ordering agencies to prepare for “a redefined relationship.” Nobody defined “redefined.” Procurement opened bids for a larger laminator.

Context

Colombia is voting in a presidential election that could affect its relationship with the United States. Washington watches Colombian elections closely because the countries cooperate on security, trade, migration, and drug policy.

The BBC reported that the 2026 race may reshape ties with the U.S. depending on the winner’s agenda. This article is satire about how Washington institutions often turn foreign policy into paperwork theater.

Photo: Diego Abello Rico