Treasury Sends Tariff Refunds With Instructions For Returning Outrage
A draft memo warns checks may arrive before the talking points needed to be angry about them.
China Promises Iran Support Will Remain Strictly Emotional, USTR Says
Washington welcomed the breakthrough by immediately forming three committees to define the word material.
Trump, Xi Agree Tariffs Can Be Lowered If Everyone Acts Surprised
The tentative trade thaw reportedly came with a ceremonial coupon book and one emergency hearing nobody in the Senate understood.
White House Reassures Taiwan With Map Labeled ‘Complicated Friendship Area’
After Trump’s China trip, aides clarified U.S. policy by pointing to three arrows, two footnotes, and a coffee stain.
Parliamentarian Rules White House Moat Alligators Not Budget-Relevant Security
The ruling leaves federal planners with only gates, guards, and a color-coded spreadsheet labeled Please Do Not Breach.
Cassidy Asks Louisiana GOP To Grade Trump Impeachment On Curve
His fictional campaign’s new strategy separates policy positions into “before conviction” and “please stop booing” binders.
Trump-Xi Summit Produces Tariff Peace Treaty for Nervous Soybeans
The Senate began preparing a bipartisan thank-you card to corn while the Supreme Court was asked to stay out of breakfast.
White House Issues Summit Fatigue Index After Trump-China Meeting
The new metric reportedly classifies presidential strain as “manageable, visible, or audible through a closed conference-room door.”
Washington Places Tariffs in Cooling-Off Room After Trump-Xi Talk
A joint memo instructed import duties to stop making eye contact until markets regained their indoor voices.
Trump Announces Xi Joined Emergency Strait Unclogging Committee
The White House treats global shipping lanes as a sticky cabinet drawer requiring bipartisan lubricant.