This white house files satire turns a real public story into fictional political commentary.
Officials reportedly prepared a 19-page plan to look sternly at unleaded.
White House Files Briefing
The White House has opened a formal Pump Relations Desk after oil executives warned that gasoline prices may continue rising. The desk will coordinate federal eye contact with gas stations.
A draft memo classifies each pump as “price-aware infrastructure” and assigns it a caseworker. Regular unleaded receives two caseworkers because it has “the broadest emotional reach.”
“The administration will not be lectured by a nozzle,” a senior pricing liaison wrote.
Fuel Briefing Moved To Smaller Room With Larger Charts
President Trump’s aides prepared a briefing book with tabs for crude oil, Iran, shipping, summer driving, and blame. The blame tab reportedly has its own appendix and a laminated handle.
The National Economic Council proposed asking gas stations to display prices in court-style language. Under the plan, $4.19 would become “pending further review.”
Staff also tested a Supreme Price Adjustment stamp, after lawyers noted the word “supreme” does not automatically create legal authority. The stamp was returned to procurement for being too honest.
The Senate received a courtesy copy of the memo, printed on yellow paper to simulate a warning light. One aide marked it urgent, then filed it under “cars, angry.”
Administration Prepares For Pump-Level Diplomacy
The Energy Department recommended sending envoys to high-traffic stations during lunch. Their instructions include nodding at the price sign, sighing responsibly, and buying one granola bar for credibility.
A separate communications plan would replace “gas prices are rising” with “drivers are participating in an involuntary fuel market experience.” The phrase tested well among people trapped in a conference room.
The White House gift shop has removed novelty gas cans from the front display. They now sit behind a velvet rope next to commemorative eggs from the inflation exhibit.
Officials also drafted Form GP-9, which lets motorists report “pump insolence” in triplicate. The form asks whether the price made the driver mutter, point, or invoke the Times.
The plan ends with a table of possible responses if prices climb again. Options include releasing a statement, convening a subcommittee, or asking the number 5 to stop appearing so often.
Context
The Washington Post reported that oil industry executives warned the White House that gasoline prices could get worse. The report concerned discussions between energy industry leaders and the administration over fuel costs.
This article is satire. It uses a real news report about gas price warnings to imagine an absurd federal response built around memos, forms, and pump diplomacy.
Photo: Andrés Ramírez
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