White House Rule Asks Underserved Contractors To Try Being More Served

This trump rule satire turns a real public story into fictional political commentary.

Procurement officials reportedly unveiled a new form where small firms can check a box labeled “Have You Considered Becoming Raytheon?”

Trump Rule Briefing

The White House has proposed a new contracting rule that would help underserved small businesses by first asking whether they have tried not being underserved.

The draft rule, described in Washington as “streamlining,” would replace several small-business preference tools with a laminated shrug. Agencies would still support opportunity, but only after opportunity fills out the correct portal password hint.

Sen. Ed Markey objected to the proposal, warning it could weaken paths for disadvantaged contractors. The administration responded with a procurement chart showing fairness as a tiny dot behind a filing cabinet.

Form SBA-404: Opportunity Not Found

Under the fictional implementation plan, small firms would prove eligibility by submitting tax records, payroll data, and a notarized statement confirming they have never made a lobbyist feel underdressed.

Applicants would also list every federal contract they failed to win. The form calls this “demonstrated resilience,” which appears just below “reason for not being a Fortune 500 defense vendor.”

A new checkbox asks whether the company has considered merging with a larger corporation, relocating to a nicer ZIP code, or changing its name to include “Strategic,” “Global,” or “.com.”

One procurement analyst praised the efficiency of the plan. “It saves time by identifying qualified small businesses and then waving at them from a moving escalator,” she said.

The Small Business Administration would maintain outreach by sending contractors a calendar invite titled “Access to Capital,” with the meeting location listed as “court pending.” No room number appears.

The Contracting Ladder Gets A Velvet Rope

Committee staffers found one draft slide placing underserved firms between “Iran sanctions update” and “China supply chain panic,” suggesting opportunity now travels through the national security junk drawer.

Agencies would track compliance with a new metric called the Aspirational Award Percentage. It counts contracts the government thought about giving to small firms during lunch.

The Supreme Court does not appear in the rule, but one aide reportedly added a footnote anyway. In modern Washington, no policy feels dressed until someone mentions constitutional smoke.

Congressional aides expect hearings, letters, and one long afternoon where witnesses explain procurement law to members who keep asking if “set-aside” is a chair policy.

The White House maintains the proposal would reduce red tape. Contractors noted the red tape has not been removed; it has been renamed “competitive ribbon” and placed across the door.

Context

Sen. Ed Markey, the ranking member on a Senate committee, criticized a Trump administration proposed rule affecting federal contracting programs for underserved small businesses.

The real dispute centers on whether the rule would weaken support for small and disadvantaged contractors seeking federal work. This article satirizes the bureaucratic and political fight around that proposal.

Photo: Werner Pfennig