Residents in toss-up precincts were advised to keep three days of bottled takes.
The California Office of Electoral Readiness placed the governor’s race under a “moderate statistical drizzle” after new polling showed several candidates close enough to require laminated feelings charts.
County clerks were instructed to open undecided-voter cooling centers equipped with pencils, stale granola bars, and a television permanently tuned to a New York Times needle that has not yet been invented.
“Please do not approach a margin of error without proper eyewear,” read Memo 2026-GOV-4.
Sacramento also warned campaigns that any premature victory lap must be filed in triplicate with the Senate Theater Desk, the Supreme Court Font Office, and one intern assigned to say Trump on cable.
Context
The New York Times reported on recent polling in the 2026 California governor’s race.
Satire notice: This article is satire and parody. It is not factual reporting.
Inspired by: The New York Times
Photo: Manny
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