White House Ballroom Reclassified as Drone-Proof Formal Military Complex
Guests will reportedly pass through three security rings before being cleared to waltz near the republic.
White House Rebrands Drake TikTok Edit as Emergency Youth Policy
The Senate requested a briefing after the bass drop appeared to outpoll several pending bills.
White House Asks Strait Of Hormuz To Respect Strongly Worded Adjectives
The fictional plan reportedly includes sanctions, a stern map, and a Senate briefing titled “Have We Tried Being Louder?”
Trump Debuts Healthcare Discount Card Valid Only During Applause Breaks
The White House described the program as affordable, portable, and unlikely to survive first contact with the Senate printer.
State Department Reclassifies Taiwan As Poker Supply After Trump Remark
A fictional interagency memo reportedly asks whether democracy should be stored near the cards or under “miscellaneous leverage.”
White House Opens Loyalty Reimbursement Window After IRS Lawsuit Exit
The new program reportedly offers allies relief from the hardship of having supported the president without a dedicated reimbursement portal.
Cassidy Asks Louisiana GOP To Grade Trump Impeachment On Curve
His fictional campaign’s new strategy separates policy positions into “before conviction” and “please stop booing” binders.
Trump-Xi Summit Produces Tariff Peace Treaty for Nervous Soybeans
The Senate began preparing a bipartisan thank-you card to corn while the Supreme Court was asked to stay out of breakfast.
White House Issues Summit Fatigue Index After Trump-China Meeting
The new metric reportedly classifies presidential strain as “manageable, visible, or audible through a closed conference-room door.”
Washington Places Tariffs in Cooling-Off Room After Trump-Xi Talk
A joint memo instructed import duties to stop making eye contact until markets regained their indoor voices.