White House Adds Gunfire Proximity Box To Daily Briefing Calendar
The new form asks whether incoming rounds are ceremonial, legislative, or merely Times-adjacent.
Trump Orders AI Oversight Memo To Apologize In Writing
The White House reportedly gave the document a visitor badge, then revoked it for insufficient flattery.
White House Adds China Chair to Trump’s Iran-Pakistan Table
Negotiators reportedly labeled it “Beijing Seat, Do Not Move,” which is also the current foreign policy.
White House Orders Iran Peace Deal Laminated Before Anyone Finds Verbs
The draft memorandum reportedly achieved historic consensus on font size, tab colors, and which room would pretend to understand it.
Johnson Files Trump’s Iran Talks Under Congressional Miracle Procedure
The House reportedly printed commemorative breakthrough folders before anyone located the peace.
White House Issues Temporary Open Sign for Strait of Hormuz
The agreement is reportedly complete except for signatures, maps, and determining whether waterways accept laminated badges.
White House Adds Iran Deal To Senate’s Red Alert Binder
Republicans reportedly requested the agreement be downgraded from foreign policy to office equipment.
White House Assigns Octagon Protocol After UFC Event Fails Civics Check
The Senate requested a bell, three flags, and a committee room that can be hosed down between votes.
House GOP Shelves Iran Restraint Vote After Clipboard Fails Loyalty Check
The whip operation reportedly downgraded constitutional war powers to an optional hallway pamphlet.
NATO Ministers To Receive Trump Disappointment In Laminated Alliance Folders
Rubio will reportedly deliver the message using the ceremonial binder reserved for budget threats and awkward lunch seating.