Senate Advances Iran War Brake, Finds Pedal Under Committee Binder
The measure would require the White House to pause long enough for Congress to remember where it stored war powers.
NATO Issues Trump Reliability Index Ahead of Rubio Anxiety Tour
European diplomats will now be briefed using a color-coded chart ranging from “Article 5” to “please check Truth Social.”
Senate Advances Form Requiring Trump To Requisition Iran Hostilities
The chamber’s new policy would classify unauthorized escalation as a paperwork spill requiring immediate committee towels.
White House Asks Strait Of Hormuz To Respect Strongly Worded Adjectives
The fictional plan reportedly includes sanctions, a stern map, and a Senate briefing titled “Have We Tried Being Louder?”
White House Adds Iran Crisis To Trump’s Post-China Loyalty Card
The itinerary reportedly includes a small box to be stamped after each major power is alarmed in sequence.
Trump, Netanyahu Reportedly Schedule Iran Briefing Around Imaginary China Detour
The call allegedly included three maps, four timelines, and one Senate aide asking whether anyone had checked the calendar since 2026 began.
China Promises Iran Support Will Remain Strictly Emotional, USTR Says
Washington welcomed the breakthrough by immediately forming three committees to define the word material.
Trump Announces Xi Joined Emergency Strait Unclogging Committee
The White House treats global shipping lanes as a sticky cabinet drawer requiring bipartisan lubricant.
Trump Announces Xi Endorsed Strait Plan; Beijing Requests Undo Button
The diplomatic breakthrough reportedly lasted until China clarified it wanted the crisis solved sometime before it existed.
Trump and China Agree Iran War Unnecessary, Disagree on Who Said It
Diplomats called it a breakthrough in which everyone shook hands while backing toward separate exits.