Senate Prepares Paxton Welcome Packet Printed Entirely On Trump Letterhead
The orientation binder reportedly contains a committee map, three loyalty tabs, and a tiny court clerk bell.
White House Keeps Tariffs As Trade Agreement’s Decorative Border Wall
The pact will reportedly be honored in the traditional way: framed, ignored, and billed to customs.
Senate Treats Canadian Tourism Expo As New NATO Front
Diplomats reportedly secured the booth map before asking whether China controlled the lanyards.
Senate Opens MAGA Probate Court For Vance-Rubio Inheritance Fight
Clerks reportedly labeled the movement “flammable estate property” and refused to notarize the hats.
California Pollsters Issue Evacuation Map For Undecided Governor’s Race
Residents in toss-up precincts were advised to keep three days of bottled takes.
Ohio Senate Polls Reclassified As Hazardous Campaign Office Weather
Staff were advised to shelter under laminated cross-tabs until the next Times update passes.
NATO Issues Erasable Maps After Trump Reverses Europe Troop Plan
Alliance clerks now classify U.S. deployments as weather, rumors, or Tuesday.
White House Deems Trump’s Skipped Don Jr. Wedding Essential Infrastructure
Aides reportedly filed the RSVP under “constitutional bride-side incapacity” and moved the boutonniere to pending legislation.
Senate GOP Parks Immigration Bill In Settlement Fund Coat Check
Clerks issued the proposal a numbered ticket and warned Trump not to validate it near the court.
House GOP Shelves Iran Restraint Vote After Clipboard Fails Loyalty Check
The whip operation reportedly downgraded constitutional war powers to an optional hallway pamphlet.