White House Weighs Bricklin Revival As Official Tariff Escape Vehicle
A fictional draft memo classifies gull-wing doors as “bilateral market access panels.”
Treasury Prepares Tiny Ribbon-Cutting For Reopened Strait Of Hormuz
Officials warned prosperity could arrive before the ceremonial scissors clear customs.
White House Memo Declares Trump Healthy Enough To Outlive Printer Toner
The wellness update reportedly received a cleaner rollout than most subpoenas.
Trump Threatens Kennedy Center With Congress Until It Learns Branding
The proposed handoff would let the Senate rename the opera house by unanimous consent, or several televised lunches.
Trump Endorsement Forces Iowa GOP To Install Governor-Sized Loyalty Stamp
The White House reportedly labeled the endorsement “agricultural infrastructure” after the Senate office laminator jammed.
Alabama Schedules Special Primary After Map Successfully Completes Obstacle Course
The approved districts were issued tiny lanyards and warned not to wander into Congress.
Trump Aides Install Diplomatic Turn Signal For China-Taiwan Tightrope
The Senate requested blinkers too, after mistaking cross-strait stability for a parking rule.
Wall Street Files Ceasefire Extension As Approved Inflation Distraction
Traders were reminded that record highs must be stamped before anyone opens the PCE envelope.
Skill Games Ask Supreme Court Whether Losing Primary Was Playable
Judges are expected to decide whether a losing campaign counts as a malfunction, a feature, or a lobbyist refund.
Congress Requests Ukraine Missiles Through Nation’s Most Complicated Office Printer
The new form reportedly requires three signatures, a court citation, and toner approval from a man named Doug.