Michigan Senate Poll Declares Itself Front-Runner, Demands Committee Seat
Campaigns now trail a spreadsheet with better name recognition and fewer restaurant opinions.
DFL Endorsement Triggers Statewide Laminating Protocol For Flanagan Senate Bid
The party reportedly prepared 14 backup podiums in case democracy requested a different font.
Congress Orders Texas Senate Polls Secured in Climate-Controlled Room
A House clerk reportedly labeled undecided voters as “liquid assets” and asked nobody to breathe near the crosstabs.
White House Establishes Vance Mockery Response Office After Leak
The new unit will determine whether each insult was strategic messaging, executive humor, or a personnel weather event.
Trump Aides Install Diplomatic Turn Signal For China-Taiwan Tightrope
The Senate requested blinkers too, after mistaking cross-strait stability for a parking rule.
Senate Treats Canadian Tourism Expo As New NATO Front
Diplomats reportedly secured the booth map before asking whether China controlled the lanyards.
Iran Offers China Uranium Storage While Washington Updates Its Hold Music
Negotiators reportedly requested a chain-of-custody form, a forklift, and one senator willing to read the annex.
China Offers Tariff Relief in the Form of a Blank Clipboard
Agriculture officials were told soybeans may celebrate once Beijing releases the celebratory paperwork template.
China Downgrades American Power to Laminated Conference Room Concept
Beijing’s new policy requires U.S. threats to arrive with a binder clip, three stamps, and a deal memo nobody reads.
Iran Asks China To Cosign America’s Nuclear Deal Like Nervous Landlord
Washington reportedly offered a handshake, a binder, and whatever Trump last initialed in Sharpie.